They Finished 3rd: GERMANY

My tip to win it didn't.
They came up short. They fell at the penultimate hurdle. They failed to fulfill their potential.
Who didn't want to see them pitted against the Spanish in the final?
Sadly, in tournament football, it doesn't matter how well you play in the early stages, one bad performance and you're going home. And the Germans are going home.
The swagger wasn't there. It looked like they'd planned to snuff out the few Italian threats rather than play to their own strengths.
And so their wait goes on. '96 ain't as long ago as '66, but given the number of near misses they've had in the last few tournaments, some might be starting to think that it might not happen again in their lifetime.

SEMI-FINAL: Germany 1-2 Italy

In stark contrast to the other semi-final, this clash made for great telli.

The star, of course, was Super Mario Balotelli, with a brace of well taken goals that rocked the Germans and shook the football world. The final that most neutrals wanted to see, will now not be seen.

And you have to say the Italians deserved it. Germany looked more like England, lacklustre, out of sorts, uncomfortable on the pitch. Pirlo was, as every English-speaking commentator seems to want to describe him, peerless, a strong candidate for player of the tournament, if there is such an award.

Let's just hope more Italian fans turn up for the final and don't leave the tournament's finale with an embarrassment of empty seats.

They Finished 4th: PORTUGAL

Should he, shouldn't he? Did he have a choice? Was he going for glory? We may never know how Ronaldo came to be pencilled in as Portugal's fifth penalty taker in the shoot out that knocked them out.

And although he never got to take a penalty and despite starting the tournament innocuously, Ronaldo came close to making Portugal the biggest one-man team since that team which actually had only one man in it (some Sunday League outfit, I suspect).

They exceeded my expectations by emerging from the Group of Death alive and kicking footballs. But win it? Not likely, given their lack of a penetrating striker. But hey, they're get into the habit of reaching semi-finals, and if they wrap Ronaldo in cotton wool, and bring through another two or three like him, they could go further next time.

SEMI-FINAL: Spain 0-0 Portugal. Spain win 4-2 on penalties.

Like a Rolex made of stone, that was a hard watch.

The game had little to recommend itself, as is the wont of ninety per cent of footballing nil-nils.

The shoot out was, as one hundred per cent of shoot outs are, compelling viewing, another cheeky chippie this time from Ramos the stand out spot kick.

And so Spain reach their third major tournament final on the sp(a)in, and if it's Germany we could be in for a cracker, or a crapper, depending on how good the game is, obviously. Waffling now, tired. Night.

Euro 2012 Semi-Finals. Predicted vs Actual

Way back when (it was June 6th) I predicted that the semi-finalists would be thus, thither, whatever:

RUSSIA v GERMANY
CROATIA v SPAIN

Now, I got it wrong, in that I thought the winners of the first quarter final would play the winners of the second when, in fact it was first versus third and second versus fourth. Schoolboy error, slapped wrist, get to bed without supper etc.

Anyway, the fact remains I got fifty per cent of the semi-finalists right. The other fifty per cent didn't even make it out of the group stage, but here's a fine-haired sable brush, let's gloss over it.

And, OK, anyone with an elementary understanding of the machinations of European football could have predicted that Germany and Spain would get this far. Maybe some would have plumped for the Italians too and a couple the Portuguese.

But this is my blog, and I say 'well done, me' and I hope it's a SPAIN v GERMANY final, but I have a suspicion one of them may fall at the last, and it might well be... SPAIN.

BBC 2-0 ITV. Why no Euro 2012 Semi-Final on ITV?

Aww, something's puzzling me sir, as an American copper once said. And now I've just said it because I've discovered both Euro 2012 semis are being shown on the same channel.

What's going on? Why not the usual split? Did ITV put all its money on red only for it to come up black?

They Finished 5th: ENGLAND

They were dubbed the weakest England squad since 1992 by, er... me, and yet that did them a disservice. Our XXIII made the most of their skills and abilities only to be exposed by an average but noticeably more skillful Italian team (hence the Roman numerals earlier in this sentence).

The fact remains, as it has always remained since the remains of dinosaurs were discovered in er... Remania that English players are not comfortable on the ball. English players cannot pass the ball as accurately or incisively as players from other nations. And English players cannot win penalty shoot outs.

Plus Points: We have a keeper for the next fifteen years in JOE HART, who could and should eclipse Shilton's appearance record. JOHN TERRY was epic, justifying his inclusion ahead of Rio. The number of times he blocked shots numbered more than the fingers on my hands, and there was that scoop against the Ukrainians that'll be talked about for decades in er... Kiev. GLEN JOHNSON is a skillful player, one of our best at taking people on. STEVEN GERRARD was the assistmeister general, delivering balls with pinpoint accuracy for the recipient to convert into goals. And finally CROYDON BOY ROY, the kind of manager players want to play for and who got more out of the squad than I and many others thought possible.

Italy 0-0 England; Italy win 4-2 on penalties

And so another tournament ends for England. The team ran out of energy after 50 minutes, though their ability to hold onto the ball dissipated a lot earlier than that.

But for the woodwork and the epic foot and bodywork of John Terry who was England's man of the match by a country, city and suburban mile, this would have been over long before Ashley's Young and Cole missed their penalties.

For me, and yes, I am about to enter armchair manager role, Young should have been subbed early in the second half instead of Milner, who was having his best game of the tournament, crossing effectively and looking in the mood to take people on.

Young, on the other hand was having a bit of an off today to put it mildly, and I can't have been the only one shouting 'noooo' at my wallmounted widescreen when he strode up to take his spot kick. It was like me having a bad day at the office and then being asked to work late. Inevitably, and like Mr Young, I'll end up hitting the bar.

But no blame should be attached to those whose spot kicks went awry. The gulf in class between the Italians and the English was as wide as something that's very wide indeed, an oil tanker in fact, to try and continue the gulf theme.

We must wait at least another two years for more disappointment, and sit and watch as the Italians take on the Germans on Thursday.

They Finished 6th: FRANCE

Yes! I predicted this lot would get knocked out in the quarter-finals, and I have to make a big deal about this as very little of what I've predicted has come to pass, header, shoot or score.

France is a national team rebuilding, after the utter shambles of World Cup 2010. Laurent Blanc certainly looks like the man to do it, although his team didn't really show any fight or bite or desire, or belief that they could beat Spain.

Wasn't impressed with Benzema or Ribery, the big names the French nation relied on to get them through. It's already been 12 years since the French completed the World Cup/Euro double. On this evidence, it looks like it will be a lot, lot longer before they get anywhere close to replicating that achievement.

QUARTER FINAL: Spain 2-0 France

I'm no footballing tactical genius, but France were looking like they were getting back into this in the second half. And then the manager Blanc goes and makes two substitutions, ruining the momentum his team was building, and almost ensuring they drew a blanc in this game.

With France looking on top, surely he should have left things as they were for a little longer, to see if their dominance translated into goals. Yes, the substitutions he made were attacking, but the eleven he had on were looking good together, and looking like scoring. After the changes, it looked like Spain all the way, and so it proved.

Enough has been written about the quality of the Spanish, and that they have an embarrassment of talent. They even started this one without a recognised forward on the pitch, and yet strolled into the semis, as I predicted they would, I might add. Actually, I have added that as you can see.

They Finished 7th: GREECE

If ever a nation needed its football team to give it a lift, Greece is that nation, and Greece FC is that team.

Getting to the quarter final might seem a bit of a failure to the team that won it in 2004, but this is a team that consistently over-performs, punches above its weight, confounds the critics.

Of which there are many, but you have to play to your strengths and reduce the impact of your weaknesses and that's what the Greeks do. It may not be pretty to watch, but if you're Greek, you won't give a shit about that.

QUARTER FINAL: Germany 4-2 Greece

Billed as the EuroZone Bailout Bowl by no one except me, the Germans march on to the semi-final, despite resting several key players.

Greece were far more watchable than they have been in the past, but if they'd won this, the German chancellor who was in attendance may well have withdrawn bailout funding.

As it was, Europe wasn't thrown into any more turmoil than it's already in, and my tip to win this thing make the semi-finals where either England or Italy will await.

They Finished 8th: CZECH REP

Few, including me, thought they'd get as far as they did, so this tournament can't be seen as a failure. But they could have gone for it a bit more in the quarter-final against Portunaldo or Ronaltugal, I can't decide which is the best, probably the former.

Rosicky out injured for the QF won't have helped, him being captain and their most creative player. But as I said at the start of all this, any team that has Baros as their striker is going to struggle and ain't gonna win diddly.

And so it proved.

QUARTER-FINAL: Portugal 1-0 Czech Rep

This game had very little going for it, and was settled by a bouncing header from the best player on the pitch, the ubiquitous Ronaldo, whom people are beginning to refer to as CR7, which sounds more like a postcode to me.

For me, the Russians would have give the Portuguese a better game and a tougher test. The Czech's never really threatened and looked ready to settle for penalties from about the 50th minute.

Take Ronaldo out of Portugal's team, and they'll be pretty average too, and with Spain or France awaiting in the semi-final it's hard to make a case for them progressing.

One of the dullest games of the tournament, but if you're Portuguese that won't bother you in the slightest. You're through to another semi-final, and you have CR7 in your T E A M.

England Score Some Crackers

This blog has been a bit down on England's chances ever since it emerged from Armchair World Cup 2010's womb.

Sweden aside, I don't think we've played 'all that' to use street terminology. But we're undefeated, we've won the group and we've scored a couple of stunners, courtesy of Walcott and Welbeck. But then we do have a bit of history when it comes to scoring stunners in big tournaments:

2006 WORLD CUP: Joe Cole's audacious lob vs SWEDEN.
1998 WORLD CUP: Michael Owen's amazing mazy run vs ARGENTINA.
1996 EUROS: Paul Gascoigne's chip 'n' volley against SCOTLAND
1990 WORLD CUP: David Platt's incredible scoop in the last minute against BELGIUM.

That's just a quartet off the top of my head. There may well be more. They are just not on top of my head right now. I was thinking of adding:

2012 EUROS: Wayne Rooney's bullet header from a yard out vs UKRAINE.

But that would be taking the piss.

Euro 2012 Quarter Finals. Predicted vs Actual

Here's how I thought the Last 8 would look.

RUSSIA v HOLLAND
GERMANY v POLAND
CROATIA v FRANCE
UKRAINE v SPAIN

Here's how I got on.


RUSSIA v HOLLAND
GERMANY v POLAND
CROATIA v FRANCE
UKRAINE v SPAIN
Even an alien who had never seen a football in his life could have predicted more accurately than that. Embarrassing isn't the word. Humiliating probably is.


For the benefit of that alien, here's the actual quarter-final line up.
CZECH REP v PORTUGAL
GERMANY v GREECE
SPAIN v FRANCE
ENGLAND v ITALY
It really is pointless me predicting who'll make it through from that lot. But that probably won't stop me.

They Finished 9th: UKRAINE

Another of my quarter finalists fall by their own wayside.

But Ukraine may have good reason to complaine.

England know what it's like to be on the receiving end of official incompetence, but for once it was our opponents who were the victims. In days gone by, the English way would have been to stop the game, and inform the referee of the oversight, or bally well score an own goal to even things up in the right and proper manner.

Alack, that's not what sport's about these days And the co-hosts, shed of their co-stars Shevchenko and Voronin, bowed out of their own gig before anyone had the chance to shout 'encore' or the Ukrainian equivalent.

Group D FINALE: Ukraine 0-1 England; France 0-2 Sweden

This is the last major tournament not to feature goal line technology.

The human brain and eyes are not up to it, as was proved in the England game last night. It looked over the line from where I was sitting a few thousand miles away, despite Terry's best efforts to hook it out.

But a powerless bloke in yellow couldn't see it was over from a few yards away. And so England scraped a win and knocked out the co-hosts, so now there are no hosts left in their tournament.

And England win the Group, thanks to an Ibrahamovic cracker and a scrambled second in time added on. Again, I've been made to look like the worst predictor of football results since the last very bad predictor of football results. No, not him. HIM.

HOW THEY FINISHED: 1: ENGLAND  2: FRANCE  3: Ukraine  4: Sweden.

Here's how some crazy fool thought the group would end up.

They Finished 10th: CROATIA

So, the second of my predicted semi-finalists, and one of my predicted finalists, have double-checked the sock drawer, replaced the remote on top of the television, checked under the bed for loose change and checked out of their hotel room, bound for home.

I thought I was on to a cheeky one with this lot. So much so, there was a fiver each way on them to win it at 40-1.

Those bookies knew what they were doing pricing them so temptingly. My money is theirs. After a great opening game against the Irish, it looked like I'd made a canny move. But the Irish were the whipping boys.

After a creditable draw against the Italians, it was almost party-time in my house (exaggeration). But the party was pooped by the Spanish. World, European, Figure Skating champions of the Universe. Yes, that Spanish.

But I remain impressed with the team and the manager. The fans? Not so much.

GROUP C FINALE: Spain 1-0 Croatia; Italy 2-0 Rep.Ireland

Balls.
My predictions are now looking as accurate as something that's very inaccurate indeed.
Croatia in the final, you say? Not so.
They're gone. Along with them ten pounds of my hard-earned, wagered each-way on them. They held Spain for most of last night's game, and were only a goal away from qualification, but if truth be told (and, by Jove, it will) never looked as good or likely to win. Thanks Jove. And in the other game of which I only saw the goals, the Italians dispatched the Irish.
HOW THEY FINISHED: 1: SPAIN  2: ITALY  3: Croatia  4: Rep.Ireland.
Looking at that, surely most people would have predicted that's how this group would have ended. Surely I could have predicted that, not this rubbish.

They Finished 11th: HOLLAND

From losing World Cup finalists, to losing three out of three in the Group of Death. All within the space of two years. With pretty much the same team, save for the retired Van Bronckhorst and the sidelined Dirk Kuyt.

What happened? Undoubtedly unrest within the camp. It's a cliche to blame Dutch shortcomings on internal unrest, but more often than not, it's true. News of splits, divides, disagreements and rants will more than likely emerge over the next couple of days then be forgotten for the next couple of years until World Cup 2014, when the Oranje will Boom! and self-implode again.

They Finished 12th: DENMARK

Bendtner's underpants may well be the prevailing memory of Denmark's contribution to Euro 2012. A scandal is brewing after it was revealed UEFA fined the Danes more for a flash of knicker elastic than they did Croatia for their fans' racist chanting. Sort it out Waffer.

Will the Danes ever emulate 1992? Perhaps not until a nation is expelled and they're drafted in as last minute replacements. No shame on Danes of 2012, though. They beat the Dutch (who didn't?) and remain an interesting team to watch, especially for the pant-hungry ladies.

They Finished 13th: RUSSIA

Unlucky for some, and very unlucky for me, as I predicted this lot would get to the semis. So er... what happened.

The last group games threw up a couple of unexpected, unpredictable, unfathomable results that turned the tournament's easiest group on its head.

Russia had it in the bag, surely - 4-1 victors over Czech Rep in the first game, and a creditable draw against the host. Then along came Greece, and I can't have been the only one thinking they'd get a draw at worst.

Stunned isn't the word. Actually, it probably is.

They Finished 14th: POLAND

Ah, another chapter in the burgeoning tome that is Host Nations That Fail To Get Beyond The Group Stage has been writ. (This book is not available in any good, bad or indifferent shops, or indeed in any digital format.)

Poland looked nervy, despite (or probably because of) the massed ranks of fans desperately wanting them to do well. And I shared that desire. For my money, a tournament always benefits from having the host nation involved.

But alack, they are gone. When will we see them again? Probably Euro 2016, held on foreign, less pressure-heavy foreign soil and featuring a whopping 24 teams.

GROUP B FINALE: Germany 2-1 Denmark; Holland 1-2 Portugal

They've only gone and done it again.

Even being plopped in the sewer that was The Group Of Death couldn't stop perennial Group Stage qualifiers Germany and Portugal from, er, qualifying from the group stage.

I don't know what happened to Holland, and I'm sure Holland doesn't know what happened to Holland. Even in the game last night, they started well and looked like they would win it. But then, they just stopped, or at least stopped believing.

Only saw the goals from the Denmark/Germany match - this playing the last group games concurrently stuff is hard work for just two eyes.

So, the Germans, my tips to win this thing are through, that's the main thing. The fact that they're the only team out of the four who've qualified that I predicted would qualify is something I'd quite like to gloss over at this point, thank you very much.

HOW THEY FINISHED: 1: GERMANY  2: PORTUGAL  3: Denmark  4: Holland

A state of affairs that bears little resemblance to this shoddily predicted state of affairs.

GROUP A FINALE: Poland 0-1 Czech Rep; Russia 0-1 Greece

Has a tournament group ever been turned on its head so savagely by the final group games?
Russia were by far the best team in the group, thrashing the Czechs 4-1 in the second game of the tournament, and yet it is they who go home and the Czechs who progress. And the host Poles are on their way home (not far to travel at least) after being frozen by fear of failure in all three of their games.
HOW THEY FINISHED: 1: CZECH REP  2: GREECE  3: Russia  4: Poland.

As you'll see from this, it didn't quite pan out the way I predicted. Although it really should have.

They Finished 15th: SWEDEN

Ibrahimovic did seem to enjoy giving Joe Hart a bit of lip pie after the Swedes went 2-1 up against England. And yet it is Hart who had the last laugh, the England win sending the Swedes out, hot on the heels of the Irish who were the first to fall.

This wasn't a vintage Swedish team. Mellberg's highly unexpected brace against England the highlight in what's likely to be his last major tournament.

Other than that, Ibrahimovic looked dangerous without troubling the scorers, at least in the first two games that mattered. Have still yet to see him play a really good game, though apparently his record against English teams is poor.

England 3-2 Sweden

England go one-up. Check. England can't defend one-goal lead. Check. England go behind after being ahead. Check. England score two stunning goals to come from behind and beat a nation they've never beaten before in a tournament. Ah, er... check your brain, fella-me-lad.

But no. It really happened. England sent Sweden crashing out of the tournament with a comeback the like of which England just don't do. We don't do volleys from outside the area, Mr Walcott. And Mr Welbeck, what was that audacious flick into the net all about? How very un-English!

It also appears we don't mark people called Mellberg, but to moan would be churlish. A great win.

Bring on Ukraine.

Ukraine 0-2 France

If there isn't a newspaper in the world running a headline 'Ukraine Stops Play' today, I'll be as surprised as an Englishman whose team has come back from 2-1 down to win 3-2.

Bit of thunder. Forked lightning. Players taken off for an hour after four minutes for their own safety. And a couple of half decent goals from the French. That about sums up this one.

UPDATE: Always knew I should have been a headline writer for The Sun...

They Finished 16th: REP. IRELAND

And we have our first faller.

Less than a week after the tournament started, it's over for the Irish.

There was to be no glory, no David slaying Goliath against Spain, and no doubting Croatia were the better side in their opening game.

Irish fans were undoubtedly the stars of their show, and will be out in force and good voice against Italy. But, much like England, there's a real lack of stars on the pitch. Although they do have performances from James McClean to look forward to.

He needs to start against Italy.

Spain 4-0 Rep.Ireland

Although this blog does not condone any writing on any walls, as that's graffiti, the writing was on the wall after four minutes of this.

Ireland conceded another early goal and left themselves an uphill task so uphill it proved a mountain too high, if there is such a saying.

But in reality, it was always a big ask/task for the Irish. It's a team heavy on Championship quality players that just happen to have Premiership quality fans.

Spain, on the other hand, are undoubtedly world class. And Torres is back scoring again. Which all means I'm a bit worried for Croatia, as they meet Spain in the last game, and even a draw in that might not be enough to see them through to the knockout stages...

Although, I predict Irish eyes will be smiling after they draw with Italy...

Italy 1-1 Croatia

While both teams showed an equal amount of flair, the Croatian fans showed way more flare than their Italian counterparts (who again should be ashamed by the number of empty seats in their 'end').
At least four flares landed on the pitch during the game, one so smoky it left the pitch resembling a gentlemen's club in the seventies.
The match was held up for a couple of minutes while the players and ref passively imbibed. Look out for the lawsuits in thirty years' time.
As you might know, I'm a big fan of Croatian chances in this tournament, and this has done nothing to dim my enthusiasm.
The Italians dominated the first half, the Croats strangely lacklustre. But in the second, you could tell Bilic had tucked into them at half time, and they came out and looked the better side.
I hate the saying ' a draw was a fair result'.
But, a draw was a fair result.

Every Nation In The Tournament Has Scored

That's the Stat Of The Day.

With Holland and Portugal finding the net today, all sixteen have now registered, found the onion bag, troubled the scorers, opened their accounts, found the back of the net (where's the front of the net?), slotted the ball home, beaten the goalkeeper...

Germany 2-1 Holland

Two defeats and you'd expect to be on your way home. You'd deserve to be out. And yet, the Dutch (what has that word got to do with Holland or the Netherlands, and what have those names got to do with each other?) can still progress with a win against Portugal in their final game.

Meanwhile, Germany, my tip, my favourites, produced a convincing display that backs up my faith in them. Gomez looks like the goalscorer he's always been at club level, good enough to keep the mercurial Miroslav Klose on the bench. It's hard to find a weakness in their ranks.

And yet the mathematicians will tell you that it is still possible for the Germans NOT to qualify for the knockout stages if results don't go their way in Sunday's final games.

Now, that is kerrrr-azeee.

Is It, Was It, Could It Be The Ball?

I'm not alone in thinking the first tournament I blogged about was shit. Some might even say my World Cup 2010 blog was shit, but let's move on. Fact is, the football was poor and people were quick to blame the ball.
But Alan Shearer raised a good point tonight. Not one player has complained about this tournament's sphere and the quality of the football has been outstandingly high.
Lesson learned, surely. UEFA don't tinkle with their balls and preside over a great tournament. FIFA fiddled with their balls and came up with something that stunk.

Portugal 3-2 Denmark

She's innocent! Don't bring Ronaldo's misses into this. It's not her fault. Don't belittle what was the best of a great bunch of games we've had so far this tournament.

Had the Portuguese not won this, Ronaldo will have rued his misses (sorry to mention her again). A one-on-one with the keeper that he should have buried, and a couple of shots that went wayward. Not the Ronaldo we all know and l... know.

While a great fluffs his lines, a B-lister shows that maybe he has, after all, the skill to make it on the big stage, with a big club. Bendtner's double will have increased his value nicely for Mr Wenger, should he decide to trade-in after the tournament.

Whatever, this result has ensured the Group of Death will go down to the (garroting) wire. And not many neutrals will be complaining.

Poland 1-1 Russia

This one kicked off way before it kicked off. Fighting in the streets, a lad knocked unconscious face down on the news. The sort of images UEFA like to think only ever involve England fans.
There's history between these two nations of course, unfinished business, even though the Soviet Union has disintegrated, the Eastern Bloc has crumbled, the Iron Curtain torn.
The perceptive among you will have noticed I've written nothing about the game. That's because I missed all of the first half and was a little drunk during the second.
However, there's a contender for goal of the tournament in this game, a bullet, diagonal shot from outside the area for Poland.
The Polizei or whatever variation on the word Police they're called out there will have been glad of the draw, as points shared are problems halved.

Czech Rep 2-1 Greece

Highlights are all I saw of this one, so that means the goals and not much besides. So I could waffle on about the early Czech goals, or about how this result keeps the group wide open, but I can't be arsed.

Ukraine 2-1 Sweden

This much yellow hasn't been seen in one stadium since Custard Rovers played Banana City in the Vanilla Ice Cream Cup Final.

And you can't complain if you're from Ukraine. Your team tops Group D, and your top striker has already banged in a couple.

I must confess to falling asleep before the end of this one, no criticism of the quality of the game, more a criticism of my ability to handle alcohol!

England 1-1 France

It's all a bit hazy the morning after the evening before.
Ventured to a public house for this one and of the few bits I can remember, our woeful marking for their goal stands out. We had about eight defenders in our box, while the French lined up outside it.
It looked like zonal marking gone wrong. I prefer man to man (guffaw guffaw) for the simple reason that I've yet to see a zone score a goal.
Our goal was all about pinpoint delivery and bullet finish. Hart flapped a little early on but more than redeemed with a couple of big saves late on. France just edged it on quality, chances and possession, but not on the most important stat - goals.

Croatia 3-1 Rep.Ireland

Can't help feeling a bit Doctor Smug from Smugsville.

For my money (and I've a fiver each way on them to win Euro 2012 at 40-1) Croatia looked the best team I've seen in the tournament so far. Yes, I know, England haven't played yet.

No shame on the Irish for losing to them. On tonight's showing, they'd have beaten anyone. A bit lucky with a couple of goals and penalty decisions maybe, but they're packing a lot of creative weapons and a player called (but probably not spelt) Rakatich, who sounds awesome and who had a pretty good game.

Get some money on this lot to go far, but don't blame me if it goes tits up. I've had a Guinness.

Spain 1-1 Italy

Match-ups between international heavyweights during tournaments rarely live up to their billing, and here was another so-so bout that ended in a split decision, which pleased me as I had it down to finish 0-0.

I saw most of this game except, annoyingly, the five minute period that contained both the goals. Such is family life on a Sunday in suburbia.

As I've predicted, I don't think Spain will win the tournament, and I don't think Italy will make it out of this group and nothing I saw here has made me change my mind.

Germany 1-0 Portugal

This is more like it. Proper tournament football. Namely cagey, defensive, and generally dull.

The Portuguese came for a point and nearly got it. The Germans showed more attacking prowess and were eventually rewarded. But the biggest question this game threw up is: what were the balls of scrunched up white paper all about?

German fans chucked these at Portugal players taking corners. Was it the German gameplan getting thrown out as frustration grew the longer it stayed 0-0? It was just pathetic and embarrassing. Faceless dicks in the crowd trying to get someone to pay their worthless little lives some attention.

And who takes foolscap to football these days? Fucking pack a vuvuzela instead.

Holland 0-1 Denmark

Ah, the first bona fide shock of the tournament. World Cup finalists the Dutch come unstuck against the lowly fancied Danes.

The Dutch were all over them though, and but for woeful finishing/last-third play they would have won this. But the Danes played like I think England will need to play if they're going to get anywhere. Go one-up and defend defend defend defend, hope, pray, defend a bit more, bore the opposition into submission. Do a Greece 2004...

Theme Tune and Graphics, BBC v ITV

Having given the best World Cup 2010 Theme Tune award to ITV, the Euro 2012 title already looks destined to cross to the other side.

I'm liking the BBC's choice of music and especially their graphics, which feature elements of the sixteen nations' badges brought to life in an elegant, Eastern bloc-ky kind of way.

As for ITV - what's going on? Dodgy models made from what? Woodbines? Paper mache? Dried stool? And what's with the over-sized heads?

I will reserve final judgement until later in the tournament. Actually, no I won't. The BBC have already won this battle.

Russia 4-1 Czech Rep

Four! Quatro! Whatever 4 is in Russian! What a start to the tournament. All four teams that have played have scored, and the Russians have slammed home a quartet of goals and should have had more.

They'll be in pole position to win a group that contains the Poles, and yes, I am feeling a little smug tonight, having tipped the Russians to reach the semis.

I'm even liking the Russian strip, a thin blue and white sash on a striking red background. The More Sashes In Football Kits Campaign starts here.

Tipple Of Choice Chosen

I've plumped for an eight-pack of draught Guinness to help me negotiate the early games. These should be dispatched before the England game during which I'll need to move on to something with a bit more of a kick (pun intended).

Poland 1-1 Greece

It's quite possible that we've already had more excitement in Euro 2012 than we did in the entire last World Cup. Two goals. Two reds. A saved penalty. All following a mercifully short opening ceremony.
What more could you ask for, other than a streaker perhaps.

I didn't catch the whole match, just the very start and the very end, but judging from the highlights, what happened in between was positive fayre, unlike the over-cautious dirges that tend to occur in the early stages of tournaments.

I had a couple of lines lined up like Poles Taken Apart or We Came, Warsaw, We Conquered, but neither is apt, or possibly, very good.

So, Who Will Win Euro 2012?

Office workers, stop working in your offices.
Labourers, stop labouring in your shorts.
Publicans, er... keep serving please.
I am about to announce the winners of Euro 2012 before the first kick of the tournament.

In generations to come, you will remember where you were when you read this, what pants you were wearing and how you were feeling.

In this crazy world that hasn't and may never happen, GERMANY will take on CROATIA in the final. It will probably be raining. The first half will be goalless, but in the second, there will be a brace for the same team, and at the final whistle, the players of CROATIA will fall to their knees and hail GERMANY as European Champions.

Euro 2012 Semi-Final Predictions

If none of these teams gets anywhere near this stage, remember, I'm sticking my neck out early with these predictions, making them before the tournament starts with knowledge gleaned from sitting on my fat arse in an armchair, and no knowledge of any injuries that may and probably will occur to the teams.

RUSSIA v GERMANY. They've had their run-ins in the past (check Wikipedia if you need a history lesson). In my crystal ball (imaginary), I'm seeing 0-0 at the start, 0-0 after 90 mins and a late goal from... the Germans.

CROATIA v SPAIN. Can Spain win three international tournaments on the spin? No one's done that before, and look what happened to France when they tried it in World Cup 2002. That's Senegal I'm saying about the matter, other than, no, I don't think SPAIN can do it. I think CROATIA are going to the final.

MY PREDICTED EURO 2012 FINAL

GERMANY v CROATIA

Euro Moments No.5: France 3-2 Portugal, 1984

Now, I was barely a teenager when I saw this game, but seem to remember being a bit of an emotional wreck after it.

France were the hosts and clearly the best team in the competition, but the Portuguese not only took them to extra time in this semi-final, but took the lead in extra time, until late, late on, Domergue equalised, before Tigana set up Platini for the winner.

Motson went close to screaming madness while commentating, but he was only expressing the emotions almost everyone who was watching the game must have been feeling.

Euro Moments No. 4: Lineker Subbed v Sweden, 1992

It was the last game our great striker played for us. We needed to win it to progress. Now, nothing against Alan Smith, but he's not more likely to find the net than Gary Lineker, hero of 1990 and all that.

So what Graham Taylor was playing at hauling off Lineker and bringing on Smith remains one of the most baffling substitutions ever made by an England manager. It might have been more forgivable had he brought on a young Shearer who was warming the bench, but maybe Taylor was saving Lineker and Shearer for later in the competition.

Only there wasn't a later in the competition for England. The players watched the rest of the tournament (which culminated in a Danish win) on the telly like I did.

Probably drowning their sorrows with a few beers, like I....

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Predictions

I'm not sure you can get away with saying Dark Horse any more these days, so I won't, but a team to watch has to be RUSSIA. They beat Italy in a tournament warm-up game, in Italy and by 3-0, so deserve to be taken seriously. And I think they will beat HOLLAND in the first quarter final.

POLAND I'm putting into the quarters on the back of a wave and surge of passion and emotion from the home supporters, playing host to a major tournament for the first time in their history. But GERMANY will be too strong for them, and ex-pat Podolksi will almost certainly score against them.

I'm backing CROATIA to be the surprise package of the tournament. I like the look of their squad, on and off paper. Even on a blackboard it'll look pretty strong. FRANCE are on the way back, but they're not the force they were 10-15 years ago, so it's a CROATIA win for me here.

And in the final quarter final (it's awkward, but it's right), the other host nation will take on the holders. And lose, I think. SPAIN are still too strong for most nations, and although UKRAINE can expect vocal backing, and all the pressure to be on their opponents, I think SPAIN will edge it, on penalties, mind.

So that'll leave me with a semi-final line up that looks like this:

RUSSIA v GERMANY
CROATIA v SPAIN

Apologies to supporters of these nations if my usually wildly inaccurate predictions put the mockers on your team.

Euro Moments No.3 : Yugoslavia 3-4 Spain, 2000

It's not often I feel compelled to leave my chair during a group phase game that doesn't involve England, but at the end of this one, I must have been standing up for at least five minutes.

The Spanish were 3-2 down so deep into injury time, they were nearly coming out the other side. Yet, rather like Man City in the Premiership this season (a smooth, seamless link to the current day for you), they found a couple of goals in a couple of minutes to completely turn this one around.

Yugoslavia were so gutted, they went out of business or changed their name or something, though as you might expect, this assessment isn't historically accurate.

The Even Weaker Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Is Now Weaker Still

A double fractured jaw has ruled out GARY CAHILL. He's to be replaced by KELLY DALGLISH or somesuch Liverpool person.

Let's send a job load of cotton wool out to our Krakow training camp and wrap up the entire squad in it until Monday. Any more pull-outs and Viv Anderson will have to dust down his boots.


Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Martin Kelly, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Euro Moments No.2: England 4-1 Holland, 1996

Yeah, it's back to '96 again. Blah, blah, blah. No apologies for that.

Quite simply, this is the best England performance I've seen in my lifetime (too young to have been around for '66).

Although the 5-1 in Germany runs it close, this was in a major tournament, this was under pressure, this was against a highly fancied Dutch team, and this was liquid football. The day when everything slipped into place, and we gave one of the most erudite footballing nations a real lesson.

And yes, I had a few beers while watching it. Wellllll...

Norway 0-1 England; England 1-0 Belgium; what the friendlies have taught us.

First up, a win is a win, is a win. Unless it's a win. Or it's two wins like we've just had in the last week

As ever, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THE MOST ENTERTAINING TEAMS TO WATCH, if these performances are anything to go by. More like old school Italy holding on to a 1-0, than a Spain or Germany taking teams to the cleaners.

WE CAN SCORE WITHOUT ROONEY. Welbeck's opened his account. Young's banged in a few recently, and I expect Gerrard, Terry and Defoe to make telling contributions, given the chance.

WE HAVE A TOP KEEPER. That wasn't the case in the last World Cup, when James and Green were vying for a top spot that probably should have gone to the man who has it now.

OUR DEFENCE IS STOLID. Ashley Cole never lets you down, Terry and Cahill should start in the middle, and Johnson on the right, giving an all-Chelsea (at some point in their career) look to the defence.

WE LACK FLAIR IN MIDFIELD. The major stumbling block. Not since Gascoigne have we had a player who can take others on. Not since Beckham have we had an awesome set-piece threat. Parker and Gerrard are stolid, but is either going to frighten a defence with the ball at their feet. I mean, really frighten?

WE WILL PROBABLY DO BETTER THAN I PREDICT. I'm being super-cynical about our chances. We're not a bad team, just an average team. But just look at what Greece achieved in 2004. If Roy can get them playing, make us hard to break down, sneak us some One-Nils, we could emulate that unexpected success of eight years ago. COULD.

Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Now Even Weaker

Yes, what looked a flimsy squad on paper, now looks as flimsy as paper after a trio of withdrawals. Below is the latest, updated list of players who will be charged with flying the flag for England in Poland and the Ukraine.

Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Who Will Win Euro 2012?

This is the question on the lips of everyone who's asking it.

It's the 60,000 dollar question that's actually worth a lot more than that.

Who will win Euro 2012?

At the start of World Cup 2010, I predicted this would be the final line-up.

And before this tournament starts, this blog will name the two teams I think will reach the final, and which one I think will emerge triumphant.

The answer may not surprise, nor delight, nor be anywhere near accurate. But it will be an answer, backed up by the flimsiest of evidence, insight and talent.

Pay attention to it at your peril. Ignore it at your leisure.

Euro Moments No1 Gazza's Goal v Scotland, 1996

There's the occasional moan on here about being old, but it has its advantages. Because it means I was old enough to have witnessed Paul Gascoigne's goal v Scotland in Euro 96, live (on the telly of course) and with a few beers inside me (again, of course).

It remains to this day the loudest I've ever cheered and the longest I've ever celebrated a goal. The sad thing is there hasn't been an England player since with the skill, finesse and finishing power to repeat the feat.

Gascoigne. Legend.

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Predicted Line Up

My Group Stage predictions leave me with a Quarter Final line up looking something like (actually, looking very much like) this:

RUSSIA v HOLLAND
GERMANY v POLAND
CROATIA v FRANCE
UKRAINE v SPAIN

I don't know why I'm putting so much faith in the home nations, after South Africa and virtually the entire continent of Africa let me down last time around. But that's it, my quarter final line up. I'm not happy there's no England, Ireland, Italy or Brazil for that matter.