They Finished 5th: ENGLAND

They were dubbed the weakest England squad since 1992 by, er... me, and yet that did them a disservice. Our XXIII made the most of their skills and abilities only to be exposed by an average but noticeably more skillful Italian team (hence the Roman numerals earlier in this sentence).

The fact remains, as it has always remained since the remains of dinosaurs were discovered in er... Remania that English players are not comfortable on the ball. English players cannot pass the ball as accurately or incisively as players from other nations. And English players cannot win penalty shoot outs.

Plus Points: We have a keeper for the next fifteen years in JOE HART, who could and should eclipse Shilton's appearance record. JOHN TERRY was epic, justifying his inclusion ahead of Rio. The number of times he blocked shots numbered more than the fingers on my hands, and there was that scoop against the Ukrainians that'll be talked about for decades in er... Kiev. GLEN JOHNSON is a skillful player, one of our best at taking people on. STEVEN GERRARD was the assistmeister general, delivering balls with pinpoint accuracy for the recipient to convert into goals. And finally CROYDON BOY ROY, the kind of manager players want to play for and who got more out of the squad than I and many others thought possible.

Italy 0-0 England; Italy win 4-2 on penalties

And so another tournament ends for England. The team ran out of energy after 50 minutes, though their ability to hold onto the ball dissipated a lot earlier than that.

But for the woodwork and the epic foot and bodywork of John Terry who was England's man of the match by a country, city and suburban mile, this would have been over long before Ashley's Young and Cole missed their penalties.

For me, and yes, I am about to enter armchair manager role, Young should have been subbed early in the second half instead of Milner, who was having his best game of the tournament, crossing effectively and looking in the mood to take people on.

Young, on the other hand was having a bit of an off today to put it mildly, and I can't have been the only one shouting 'noooo' at my wallmounted widescreen when he strode up to take his spot kick. It was like me having a bad day at the office and then being asked to work late. Inevitably, and like Mr Young, I'll end up hitting the bar.

But no blame should be attached to those whose spot kicks went awry. The gulf in class between the Italians and the English was as wide as something that's very wide indeed, an oil tanker in fact, to try and continue the gulf theme.

We must wait at least another two years for more disappointment, and sit and watch as the Italians take on the Germans on Thursday.

England Score Some Crackers

This blog has been a bit down on England's chances ever since it emerged from Armchair World Cup 2010's womb.

Sweden aside, I don't think we've played 'all that' to use street terminology. But we're undefeated, we've won the group and we've scored a couple of stunners, courtesy of Walcott and Welbeck. But then we do have a bit of history when it comes to scoring stunners in big tournaments:

2006 WORLD CUP: Joe Cole's audacious lob vs SWEDEN.
1998 WORLD CUP: Michael Owen's amazing mazy run vs ARGENTINA.
1996 EUROS: Paul Gascoigne's chip 'n' volley against SCOTLAND
1990 WORLD CUP: David Platt's incredible scoop in the last minute against BELGIUM.

That's just a quartet off the top of my head. There may well be more. They are just not on top of my head right now. I was thinking of adding:

2012 EUROS: Wayne Rooney's bullet header from a yard out vs UKRAINE.

But that would be taking the piss.

Group D FINALE: Ukraine 0-1 England; France 0-2 Sweden

This is the last major tournament not to feature goal line technology.

The human brain and eyes are not up to it, as was proved in the England game last night. It looked over the line from where I was sitting a few thousand miles away, despite Terry's best efforts to hook it out.

But a powerless bloke in yellow couldn't see it was over from a few yards away. And so England scraped a win and knocked out the co-hosts, so now there are no hosts left in their tournament.

And England win the Group, thanks to an Ibrahamovic cracker and a scrambled second in time added on. Again, I've been made to look like the worst predictor of football results since the last very bad predictor of football results. No, not him. HIM.

HOW THEY FINISHED: 1: ENGLAND  2: FRANCE  3: Ukraine  4: Sweden.

Here's how some crazy fool thought the group would end up.

England 3-2 Sweden

England go one-up. Check. England can't defend one-goal lead. Check. England go behind after being ahead. Check. England score two stunning goals to come from behind and beat a nation they've never beaten before in a tournament. Ah, er... check your brain, fella-me-lad.

But no. It really happened. England sent Sweden crashing out of the tournament with a comeback the like of which England just don't do. We don't do volleys from outside the area, Mr Walcott. And Mr Welbeck, what was that audacious flick into the net all about? How very un-English!

It also appears we don't mark people called Mellberg, but to moan would be churlish. A great win.

Bring on Ukraine.

England 1-1 France

It's all a bit hazy the morning after the evening before.
Ventured to a public house for this one and of the few bits I can remember, our woeful marking for their goal stands out. We had about eight defenders in our box, while the French lined up outside it.
It looked like zonal marking gone wrong. I prefer man to man (guffaw guffaw) for the simple reason that I've yet to see a zone score a goal.
Our goal was all about pinpoint delivery and bullet finish. Hart flapped a little early on but more than redeemed with a couple of big saves late on. France just edged it on quality, chances and possession, but not on the most important stat - goals.

The Even Weaker Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Is Now Weaker Still

A double fractured jaw has ruled out GARY CAHILL. He's to be replaced by KELLY DALGLISH or somesuch Liverpool person.

Let's send a job load of cotton wool out to our Krakow training camp and wrap up the entire squad in it until Monday. Any more pull-outs and Viv Anderson will have to dust down his boots.


Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Martin Kelly, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Norway 0-1 England; England 1-0 Belgium; what the friendlies have taught us.

First up, a win is a win, is a win. Unless it's a win. Or it's two wins like we've just had in the last week

As ever, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THE MOST ENTERTAINING TEAMS TO WATCH, if these performances are anything to go by. More like old school Italy holding on to a 1-0, than a Spain or Germany taking teams to the cleaners.

WE CAN SCORE WITHOUT ROONEY. Welbeck's opened his account. Young's banged in a few recently, and I expect Gerrard, Terry and Defoe to make telling contributions, given the chance.

WE HAVE A TOP KEEPER. That wasn't the case in the last World Cup, when James and Green were vying for a top spot that probably should have gone to the man who has it now.

OUR DEFENCE IS STOLID. Ashley Cole never lets you down, Terry and Cahill should start in the middle, and Johnson on the right, giving an all-Chelsea (at some point in their career) look to the defence.

WE LACK FLAIR IN MIDFIELD. The major stumbling block. Not since Gascoigne have we had a player who can take others on. Not since Beckham have we had an awesome set-piece threat. Parker and Gerrard are stolid, but is either going to frighten a defence with the ball at their feet. I mean, really frighten?

WE WILL PROBABLY DO BETTER THAN I PREDICT. I'm being super-cynical about our chances. We're not a bad team, just an average team. But just look at what Greece achieved in 2004. If Roy can get them playing, make us hard to break down, sneak us some One-Nils, we could emulate that unexpected success of eight years ago. COULD.

Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Now Even Weaker

Yes, what looked a flimsy squad on paper, now looks as flimsy as paper after a trio of withdrawals. Below is the latest, updated list of players who will be charged with flying the flag for England in Poland and the Ukraine.

Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Euro Moments No1 Gazza's Goal v Scotland, 1996

There's the occasional moan on here about being old, but it has its advantages. Because it means I was old enough to have witnessed Paul Gascoigne's goal v Scotland in Euro 96, live (on the telly of course) and with a few beers inside me (again, of course).

It remains to this day the loudest I've ever cheered and the longest I've ever celebrated a goal. The sad thing is there hasn't been an England player since with the skill, finesse and finishing power to repeat the feat.

Gascoigne. Legend.

Casualty

Is on BBC1 this Saturday night, as it has been on every bloody Saturday night since, I don't know, but hold on a minute, this isn't the place for television promotions.

This post is meant to talk about the injury strife England have suffered over the last few days.
It started with a kiss, no it didn't, it was a ruddy broken finger for er... the Norwich keeper. The aptly initialed Gareth Barry went down next with a groinal, and today Lampard's Thigh ended his tournament before it began.

On the upside it means no pundits will have to debate the 'Can Lampard and Gerrard play in the same England team' issue ad nauseum. On the downside, well, we haven't really got anyone decent to replace Lamps.

Weakest England Squad Since 1992

It really is depressing. Never can expectations have been so low going into a tournament. This might work in the team's favour, of course, as there'll be no press pressure to win the thing, hopefully. Woy's made his picks and it's fair to say that he hasn't had a bumper cwop (sic) to choose from (enough of that Roy baiting now, he's a fellow Croydon boy, after all).
 But from the relative discomfort of my armchair, I have to say I would have taken five strikers, given Rooney will miss two of our three tournament games (yes, I predict we won't make it through the group stage).
Crouchio would have been in my squad. He's ahead of Defoe and Carroll by my reckoning. Here's the squad, none of which would make the Spain squad, save Rooney perhaps.
Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy.
Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.
Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.
Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

The paucity of world class talent in this line up has to be addressed by FA headquarters, but won't be, not while the multicultural Premier League is raking in so much cash.