They Finished 13th: RUSSIA

Unlucky for some, and very unlucky for me, as I predicted this lot would get to the semis. So er... what happened.

The last group games threw up a couple of unexpected, unpredictable, unfathomable results that turned the tournament's easiest group on its head.

Russia had it in the bag, surely - 4-1 victors over Czech Rep in the first game, and a creditable draw against the host. Then along came Greece, and I can't have been the only one thinking they'd get a draw at worst.

Stunned isn't the word. Actually, it probably is.

They Finished 14th: POLAND

Ah, another chapter in the burgeoning tome that is Host Nations That Fail To Get Beyond The Group Stage has been writ. (This book is not available in any good, bad or indifferent shops, or indeed in any digital format.)

Poland looked nervy, despite (or probably because of) the massed ranks of fans desperately wanting them to do well. And I shared that desire. For my money, a tournament always benefits from having the host nation involved.

But alack, they are gone. When will we see them again? Probably Euro 2016, held on foreign, less pressure-heavy foreign soil and featuring a whopping 24 teams.

Every Nation In The Tournament Has Scored

That's the Stat Of The Day.

With Holland and Portugal finding the net today, all sixteen have now registered, found the onion bag, troubled the scorers, opened their accounts, found the back of the net (where's the front of the net?), slotted the ball home, beaten the goalkeeper...

Germany 2-1 Holland

Two defeats and you'd expect to be on your way home. You'd deserve to be out. And yet, the Dutch (what has that word got to do with Holland or the Netherlands, and what have those names got to do with each other?) can still progress with a win against Portugal in their final game.

Meanwhile, Germany, my tip, my favourites, produced a convincing display that backs up my faith in them. Gomez looks like the goalscorer he's always been at club level, good enough to keep the mercurial Miroslav Klose on the bench. It's hard to find a weakness in their ranks.

And yet the mathematicians will tell you that it is still possible for the Germans NOT to qualify for the knockout stages if results don't go their way in Sunday's final games.

Now, that is kerrrr-azeee.

Portugal 3-2 Denmark

She's innocent! Don't bring Ronaldo's misses into this. It's not her fault. Don't belittle what was the best of a great bunch of games we've had so far this tournament.

Had the Portuguese not won this, Ronaldo will have rued his misses (sorry to mention her again). A one-on-one with the keeper that he should have buried, and a couple of shots that went wayward. Not the Ronaldo we all know and l... know.

While a great fluffs his lines, a B-lister shows that maybe he has, after all, the skill to make it on the big stage, with a big club. Bendtner's double will have increased his value nicely for Mr Wenger, should he decide to trade-in after the tournament.

Whatever, this result has ensured the Group of Death will go down to the (garroting) wire. And not many neutrals will be complaining.

Poland 1-1 Russia

This one kicked off way before it kicked off. Fighting in the streets, a lad knocked unconscious face down on the news. The sort of images UEFA like to think only ever involve England fans.
There's history between these two nations of course, unfinished business, even though the Soviet Union has disintegrated, the Eastern Bloc has crumbled, the Iron Curtain torn.
The perceptive among you will have noticed I've written nothing about the game. That's because I missed all of the first half and was a little drunk during the second.
However, there's a contender for goal of the tournament in this game, a bullet, diagonal shot from outside the area for Poland.
The Polizei or whatever variation on the word Police they're called out there will have been glad of the draw, as points shared are problems halved.

Czech Rep 2-1 Greece

Highlights are all I saw of this one, so that means the goals and not much besides. So I could waffle on about the early Czech goals, or about how this result keeps the group wide open, but I can't be arsed.

So, Who Will Win Euro 2012?

Office workers, stop working in your offices.
Labourers, stop labouring in your shorts.
Publicans, er... keep serving please.
I am about to announce the winners of Euro 2012 before the first kick of the tournament.

In generations to come, you will remember where you were when you read this, what pants you were wearing and how you were feeling.

In this crazy world that hasn't and may never happen, GERMANY will take on CROATIA in the final. It will probably be raining. The first half will be goalless, but in the second, there will be a brace for the same team, and at the final whistle, the players of CROATIA will fall to their knees and hail GERMANY as European Champions.

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Predictions

I'm not sure you can get away with saying Dark Horse any more these days, so I won't, but a team to watch has to be RUSSIA. They beat Italy in a tournament warm-up game, in Italy and by 3-0, so deserve to be taken seriously. And I think they will beat HOLLAND in the first quarter final.

POLAND I'm putting into the quarters on the back of a wave and surge of passion and emotion from the home supporters, playing host to a major tournament for the first time in their history. But GERMANY will be too strong for them, and ex-pat Podolksi will almost certainly score against them.

I'm backing CROATIA to be the surprise package of the tournament. I like the look of their squad, on and off paper. Even on a blackboard it'll look pretty strong. FRANCE are on the way back, but they're not the force they were 10-15 years ago, so it's a CROATIA win for me here.

And in the final quarter final (it's awkward, but it's right), the other host nation will take on the holders. And lose, I think. SPAIN are still too strong for most nations, and although UKRAINE can expect vocal backing, and all the pressure to be on their opponents, I think SPAIN will edge it, on penalties, mind.

So that'll leave me with a semi-final line up that looks like this:

RUSSIA v GERMANY
CROATIA v SPAIN

Apologies to supporters of these nations if my usually wildly inaccurate predictions put the mockers on your team.

The Even Weaker Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Is Now Weaker Still

A double fractured jaw has ruled out GARY CAHILL. He's to be replaced by KELLY DALGLISH or somesuch Liverpool person.

Let's send a job load of cotton wool out to our Krakow training camp and wrap up the entire squad in it until Monday. Any more pull-outs and Viv Anderson will have to dust down his boots.


Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Martin Kelly, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Euro Moments No.2: England 4-1 Holland, 1996

Yeah, it's back to '96 again. Blah, blah, blah. No apologies for that.

Quite simply, this is the best England performance I've seen in my lifetime (too young to have been around for '66).

Although the 5-1 in Germany runs it close, this was in a major tournament, this was under pressure, this was against a highly fancied Dutch team, and this was liquid football. The day when everything slipped into place, and we gave one of the most erudite footballing nations a real lesson.

And yes, I had a few beers while watching it. Wellllll...

Norway 0-1 England; England 1-0 Belgium; what the friendlies have taught us.

First up, a win is a win, is a win. Unless it's a win. Or it's two wins like we've just had in the last week

As ever, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THE MOST ENTERTAINING TEAMS TO WATCH, if these performances are anything to go by. More like old school Italy holding on to a 1-0, than a Spain or Germany taking teams to the cleaners.

WE CAN SCORE WITHOUT ROONEY. Welbeck's opened his account. Young's banged in a few recently, and I expect Gerrard, Terry and Defoe to make telling contributions, given the chance.

WE HAVE A TOP KEEPER. That wasn't the case in the last World Cup, when James and Green were vying for a top spot that probably should have gone to the man who has it now.

OUR DEFENCE IS STOLID. Ashley Cole never lets you down, Terry and Cahill should start in the middle, and Johnson on the right, giving an all-Chelsea (at some point in their career) look to the defence.

WE LACK FLAIR IN MIDFIELD. The major stumbling block. Not since Gascoigne have we had a player who can take others on. Not since Beckham have we had an awesome set-piece threat. Parker and Gerrard are stolid, but is either going to frighten a defence with the ball at their feet. I mean, really frighten?

WE WILL PROBABLY DO BETTER THAN I PREDICT. I'm being super-cynical about our chances. We're not a bad team, just an average team. But just look at what Greece achieved in 2004. If Roy can get them playing, make us hard to break down, sneak us some One-Nils, we could emulate that unexpected success of eight years ago. COULD.

Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Now Even Weaker

Yes, what looked a flimsy squad on paper, now looks as flimsy as paper after a trio of withdrawals. Below is the latest, updated list of players who will be charged with flying the flag for England in Poland and the Ukraine.

Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Who Will Win Euro 2012?

This is the question on the lips of everyone who's asking it.

It's the 60,000 dollar question that's actually worth a lot more than that.

Who will win Euro 2012?

At the start of World Cup 2010, I predicted this would be the final line-up.

And before this tournament starts, this blog will name the two teams I think will reach the final, and which one I think will emerge triumphant.

The answer may not surprise, nor delight, nor be anywhere near accurate. But it will be an answer, backed up by the flimsiest of evidence, insight and talent.

Pay attention to it at your peril. Ignore it at your leisure.

Euro Moments No1 Gazza's Goal v Scotland, 1996

There's the occasional moan on here about being old, but it has its advantages. Because it means I was old enough to have witnessed Paul Gascoigne's goal v Scotland in Euro 96, live (on the telly of course) and with a few beers inside me (again, of course).

It remains to this day the loudest I've ever cheered and the longest I've ever celebrated a goal. The sad thing is there hasn't been an England player since with the skill, finesse and finishing power to repeat the feat.

Gascoigne. Legend.

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Predicted Line Up

My Group Stage predictions leave me with a Quarter Final line up looking something like (actually, looking very much like) this:

RUSSIA v HOLLAND
GERMANY v POLAND
CROATIA v FRANCE
UKRAINE v SPAIN

I don't know why I'm putting so much faith in the home nations, after South Africa and virtually the entire continent of Africa let me down last time around. But that's it, my quarter final line up. I'm not happy there's no England, Ireland, Italy or Brazil for that matter.

Euro 2012 Headline Pun Bingo

I tried something similar to this during the 2010 World Cup with some success (actually hardly any) but that hasn't stopped it coming back in a new guise.

But instead of homing in on commentators' cliches, this time I'm going to try and predict some of the newspaper headlines we might see in the English/British press during the tournament.

I'll be adding to them and ticking them off, if or when I see them (or something similar) or anyone draws my attention to them. And I might even run a little Best Headline Of The Tournament if I can be arsed.

It Never Ukraines When It Pours.

Spain's Ukreign Is Over

On Me Hodgson

Eastern Promise

There's No Balotelling Him

England's Coming Home

Group D Preview

Been trying to put this off as long as possible, so I could think of a way to get England through to the knockout phase.
But let's face it, we're shit, and we're doubly shit when it comes to the Euros. We didn't qualify last time, and the time before that, well, I've hazy memories about Rooney, Ronaldo and a mess (though I did spend every England match of the 2004 tournament with a lager in hand.)
I just can't see our team getting through. And yes, there's no pressure and that might count in our favour, and yes, the group could have been Group B, but Ukraine are playing at home, and we never beat Sweden, and France can't possibly be as bad as they were in the last World Cup.
PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: UKRAINE  2: FRANCE  3: Sweden  4: England

Group B Preview

As mentioned in a previous post, every championship has its group of death. AND THIS IS IT. The B in this group stands for Brutal, Barbaric or Bollocks if your nation is one of the four. Who will emerge from it? Your guess is better than mine.
The Danes are probably the outsiders, unless you're Danish, but someone must have said that in '92 and look what happened then.
It'd be a surprise if the World Cup finalists Holland didn't beat both Denmark and Portugal and progress.
Germany? Ah, dear, dear Germany. If any nation deserves a bye to the knock out stage it's the Germans. They always get there, by hook or by crooked linesmen who can't tell when a ball's clearly gone over the line (bitter?) and I suspect they would still qualify if they fielded a team of 15 year olds.
And finally Portugal, not the side they were a decade ago (although they have kept the same name).

PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: GERMANY  2: HOLLAND  3: Denmark  4: Portugal

Group A Preview

There's always a Group of Death in a tournament, and in Euro 2012, THIS AIN'T IT. I can safely predict that the tournament's winner will not emerge from this quartet of average nations, though let it not be forgot that three of them have won this tournament before. Looking at the Polish squad, there aren't many household names, although Glik sounds like one of those names IKEA might give to a chest of drawers. Greece continue their policy of only selecting players whose surname ends in 's'. Russia look a tidy unit, and with Dick Advocaat at the helm should do well (was trying to think of a booze-related quip here but failed.) While the Czech Republic look strong, though I'm not sure that having Milan Baros as your main scoring threat puts you in a position to win this thing. In fact, I'm sure it doesn't. PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: RUSSIA 2: POLAND 3: Czech Rep 4: Greece