They Finished 6th: FRANCE

Yes! I predicted this lot would get knocked out in the quarter-finals, and I have to make a big deal about this as very little of what I've predicted has come to pass, header, shoot or score.

France is a national team rebuilding, after the utter shambles of World Cup 2010. Laurent Blanc certainly looks like the man to do it, although his team didn't really show any fight or bite or desire, or belief that they could beat Spain.

Wasn't impressed with Benzema or Ribery, the big names the French nation relied on to get them through. It's already been 12 years since the French completed the World Cup/Euro double. On this evidence, it looks like it will be a lot, lot longer before they get anywhere close to replicating that achievement.

So, Who Will Win Euro 2012?

Office workers, stop working in your offices.
Labourers, stop labouring in your shorts.
Publicans, er... keep serving please.
I am about to announce the winners of Euro 2012 before the first kick of the tournament.

In generations to come, you will remember where you were when you read this, what pants you were wearing and how you were feeling.

In this crazy world that hasn't and may never happen, GERMANY will take on CROATIA in the final. It will probably be raining. The first half will be goalless, but in the second, there will be a brace for the same team, and at the final whistle, the players of CROATIA will fall to their knees and hail GERMANY as European Champions.

Euro 2012 Semi-Final Predictions

If none of these teams gets anywhere near this stage, remember, I'm sticking my neck out early with these predictions, making them before the tournament starts with knowledge gleaned from sitting on my fat arse in an armchair, and no knowledge of any injuries that may and probably will occur to the teams.

RUSSIA v GERMANY. They've had their run-ins in the past (check Wikipedia if you need a history lesson). In my crystal ball (imaginary), I'm seeing 0-0 at the start, 0-0 after 90 mins and a late goal from... the Germans.

CROATIA v SPAIN. Can Spain win three international tournaments on the spin? No one's done that before, and look what happened to France when they tried it in World Cup 2002. That's Senegal I'm saying about the matter, other than, no, I don't think SPAIN can do it. I think CROATIA are going to the final.

MY PREDICTED EURO 2012 FINAL

GERMANY v CROATIA

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Predictions

I'm not sure you can get away with saying Dark Horse any more these days, so I won't, but a team to watch has to be RUSSIA. They beat Italy in a tournament warm-up game, in Italy and by 3-0, so deserve to be taken seriously. And I think they will beat HOLLAND in the first quarter final.

POLAND I'm putting into the quarters on the back of a wave and surge of passion and emotion from the home supporters, playing host to a major tournament for the first time in their history. But GERMANY will be too strong for them, and ex-pat Podolksi will almost certainly score against them.

I'm backing CROATIA to be the surprise package of the tournament. I like the look of their squad, on and off paper. Even on a blackboard it'll look pretty strong. FRANCE are on the way back, but they're not the force they were 10-15 years ago, so it's a CROATIA win for me here.

And in the final quarter final (it's awkward, but it's right), the other host nation will take on the holders. And lose, I think. SPAIN are still too strong for most nations, and although UKRAINE can expect vocal backing, and all the pressure to be on their opponents, I think SPAIN will edge it, on penalties, mind.

So that'll leave me with a semi-final line up that looks like this:

RUSSIA v GERMANY
CROATIA v SPAIN

Apologies to supporters of these nations if my usually wildly inaccurate predictions put the mockers on your team.

The Even Weaker Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Is Now Weaker Still

A double fractured jaw has ruled out GARY CAHILL. He's to be replaced by KELLY DALGLISH or somesuch Liverpool person.

Let's send a job load of cotton wool out to our Krakow training camp and wrap up the entire squad in it until Monday. Any more pull-outs and Viv Anderson will have to dust down his boots.


Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Martin Kelly, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Euro Moments No.2: England 4-1 Holland, 1996

Yeah, it's back to '96 again. Blah, blah, blah. No apologies for that.

Quite simply, this is the best England performance I've seen in my lifetime (too young to have been around for '66).

Although the 5-1 in Germany runs it close, this was in a major tournament, this was under pressure, this was against a highly fancied Dutch team, and this was liquid football. The day when everything slipped into place, and we gave one of the most erudite footballing nations a real lesson.

And yes, I had a few beers while watching it. Wellllll...

Weakest England Squad Since 1992 Now Even Weaker

Yes, what looked a flimsy squad on paper, now looks as flimsy as paper after a trio of withdrawals. Below is the latest, updated list of players who will be charged with flying the flag for England in Poland and the Ukraine.

Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy, Jack Butland.

Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Phil Jagielka, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.

Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Jordan Henderson, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.

Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

Who Will Win Euro 2012?

This is the question on the lips of everyone who's asking it.

It's the 60,000 dollar question that's actually worth a lot more than that.

Who will win Euro 2012?

At the start of World Cup 2010, I predicted this would be the final line-up.

And before this tournament starts, this blog will name the two teams I think will reach the final, and which one I think will emerge triumphant.

The answer may not surprise, nor delight, nor be anywhere near accurate. But it will be an answer, backed up by the flimsiest of evidence, insight and talent.

Pay attention to it at your peril. Ignore it at your leisure.

Euro Moments No1 Gazza's Goal v Scotland, 1996

There's the occasional moan on here about being old, but it has its advantages. Because it means I was old enough to have witnessed Paul Gascoigne's goal v Scotland in Euro 96, live (on the telly of course) and with a few beers inside me (again, of course).

It remains to this day the loudest I've ever cheered and the longest I've ever celebrated a goal. The sad thing is there hasn't been an England player since with the skill, finesse and finishing power to repeat the feat.

Gascoigne. Legend.

Euro 2012 Quarter Final Predicted Line Up

My Group Stage predictions leave me with a Quarter Final line up looking something like (actually, looking very much like) this:

RUSSIA v HOLLAND
GERMANY v POLAND
CROATIA v FRANCE
UKRAINE v SPAIN

I don't know why I'm putting so much faith in the home nations, after South Africa and virtually the entire continent of Africa let me down last time around. But that's it, my quarter final line up. I'm not happy there's no England, Ireland, Italy or Brazil for that matter.

Euro 2012 Headline Pun Bingo

I tried something similar to this during the 2010 World Cup with some success (actually hardly any) but that hasn't stopped it coming back in a new guise.

But instead of homing in on commentators' cliches, this time I'm going to try and predict some of the newspaper headlines we might see in the English/British press during the tournament.

I'll be adding to them and ticking them off, if or when I see them (or something similar) or anyone draws my attention to them. And I might even run a little Best Headline Of The Tournament if I can be arsed.

It Never Ukraines When It Pours.

Spain's Ukreign Is Over

On Me Hodgson

Eastern Promise

There's No Balotelling Him

England's Coming Home

Group B Preview

As mentioned in a previous post, every championship has its group of death. AND THIS IS IT. The B in this group stands for Brutal, Barbaric or Bollocks if your nation is one of the four. Who will emerge from it? Your guess is better than mine.
The Danes are probably the outsiders, unless you're Danish, but someone must have said that in '92 and look what happened then.
It'd be a surprise if the World Cup finalists Holland didn't beat both Denmark and Portugal and progress.
Germany? Ah, dear, dear Germany. If any nation deserves a bye to the knock out stage it's the Germans. They always get there, by hook or by crooked linesmen who can't tell when a ball's clearly gone over the line (bitter?) and I suspect they would still qualify if they fielded a team of 15 year olds.
And finally Portugal, not the side they were a decade ago (although they have kept the same name).

PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: GERMANY  2: HOLLAND  3: Denmark  4: Portugal

Group A Preview

There's always a Group of Death in a tournament, and in Euro 2012, THIS AIN'T IT. I can safely predict that the tournament's winner will not emerge from this quartet of average nations, though let it not be forgot that three of them have won this tournament before. Looking at the Polish squad, there aren't many household names, although Glik sounds like one of those names IKEA might give to a chest of drawers. Greece continue their policy of only selecting players whose surname ends in 's'. Russia look a tidy unit, and with Dick Advocaat at the helm should do well (was trying to think of a booze-related quip here but failed.) While the Czech Republic look strong, though I'm not sure that having Milan Baros as your main scoring threat puts you in a position to win this thing. In fact, I'm sure it doesn't. PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: RUSSIA 2: POLAND 3: Czech Rep 4: Greece

Weakest England Squad Since 1992

It really is depressing. Never can expectations have been so low going into a tournament. This might work in the team's favour, of course, as there'll be no press pressure to win the thing, hopefully. Woy's made his picks and it's fair to say that he hasn't had a bumper cwop (sic) to choose from (enough of that Roy baiting now, he's a fellow Croydon boy, after all).
 But from the relative discomfort of my armchair, I have to say I would have taken five strikers, given Rooney will miss two of our three tournament games (yes, I predict we won't make it through the group stage).
Crouchio would have been in my squad. He's ahead of Defoe and Carroll by my reckoning. Here's the squad, none of which would make the Spain squad, save Rooney perhaps.
Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy.
Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.
Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.
Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

The paucity of world class talent in this line up has to be addressed by FA headquarters, but won't be, not while the multicultural Premier League is raking in so much cash.