Casualty

Is on BBC1 this Saturday night, as it has been on every bloody Saturday night since, I don't know, but hold on a minute, this isn't the place for television promotions.

This post is meant to talk about the injury strife England have suffered over the last few days.
It started with a kiss, no it didn't, it was a ruddy broken finger for er... the Norwich keeper. The aptly initialed Gareth Barry went down next with a groinal, and today Lampard's Thigh ended his tournament before it began.

On the upside it means no pundits will have to debate the 'Can Lampard and Gerrard play in the same England team' issue ad nauseum. On the downside, well, we haven't really got anyone decent to replace Lamps.

Euro 2012 Headline Pun Bingo

I tried something similar to this during the 2010 World Cup with some success (actually hardly any) but that hasn't stopped it coming back in a new guise.

But instead of homing in on commentators' cliches, this time I'm going to try and predict some of the newspaper headlines we might see in the English/British press during the tournament.

I'll be adding to them and ticking them off, if or when I see them (or something similar) or anyone draws my attention to them. And I might even run a little Best Headline Of The Tournament if I can be arsed.

It Never Ukraines When It Pours.

Spain's Ukreign Is Over

On Me Hodgson

Eastern Promise

There's No Balotelling Him

England's Coming Home

Group D Preview

Been trying to put this off as long as possible, so I could think of a way to get England through to the knockout phase.
But let's face it, we're shit, and we're doubly shit when it comes to the Euros. We didn't qualify last time, and the time before that, well, I've hazy memories about Rooney, Ronaldo and a mess (though I did spend every England match of the 2004 tournament with a lager in hand.)
I just can't see our team getting through. And yes, there's no pressure and that might count in our favour, and yes, the group could have been Group B, but Ukraine are playing at home, and we never beat Sweden, and France can't possibly be as bad as they were in the last World Cup.
PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: UKRAINE  2: FRANCE  3: Sweden  4: England

Group C Preview

The holders, favourites, housewife's choice loiter in this group, group C for Championes or anything else clever that begins with C.
Spain, World Cup Champions, European Champions, Eurovision Song Contest champions probably (for all I know). They'll have to be favourites to win this, even without David Villa (and even with Torres, or is that too cheeky?).
Now, I predicted Italy would be runners-up in World Cup 2010, and of course, they weren't. Far from it. They were shit, and I have little confidence this time around.
What about ROI? (which will mean return on investment to some of you). Everyone likes Ireland, even those, like me, who've never been. Should have been at the last World Cup but for Henry, etc. Got an Italian manager now and vocal support.
And how's about Croatia? I like the look of this lot on paper, so if they could ship out all the grass and replace it with foolscap, this lot could go far.
PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: CROATIA  2: SPAIN  3: Italy  4: ROI

Group B Preview

As mentioned in a previous post, every championship has its group of death. AND THIS IS IT. The B in this group stands for Brutal, Barbaric or Bollocks if your nation is one of the four. Who will emerge from it? Your guess is better than mine.
The Danes are probably the outsiders, unless you're Danish, but someone must have said that in '92 and look what happened then.
It'd be a surprise if the World Cup finalists Holland didn't beat both Denmark and Portugal and progress.
Germany? Ah, dear, dear Germany. If any nation deserves a bye to the knock out stage it's the Germans. They always get there, by hook or by crooked linesmen who can't tell when a ball's clearly gone over the line (bitter?) and I suspect they would still qualify if they fielded a team of 15 year olds.
And finally Portugal, not the side they were a decade ago (although they have kept the same name).

PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: GERMANY  2: HOLLAND  3: Denmark  4: Portugal

Help! The Aged

Well, at least at the last World Cup, there was someone playing who was older than me - dear old David James. But now, merely two years on, there's not only no one with as many years (and as much flab) under their belt as I, but there's precious few players with the decency to have been born in the same decade as me (the Seventies). A lot of players even have the cheek to boast a birthdate in the Nineties! Born in the Nineties? What is that all about? The game has moved on...

Group A Preview

There's always a Group of Death in a tournament, and in Euro 2012, THIS AIN'T IT. I can safely predict that the tournament's winner will not emerge from this quartet of average nations, though let it not be forgot that three of them have won this tournament before. Looking at the Polish squad, there aren't many household names, although Glik sounds like one of those names IKEA might give to a chest of drawers. Greece continue their policy of only selecting players whose surname ends in 's'. Russia look a tidy unit, and with Dick Advocaat at the helm should do well (was trying to think of a booze-related quip here but failed.) While the Czech Republic look strong, though I'm not sure that having Milan Baros as your main scoring threat puts you in a position to win this thing. In fact, I'm sure it doesn't. PREDICTED GROUP TABLE: 1: RUSSIA 2: POLAND 3: Czech Rep 4: Greece

Weakest England Squad Since 1992

It really is depressing. Never can expectations have been so low going into a tournament. This might work in the team's favour, of course, as there'll be no press pressure to win the thing, hopefully. Woy's made his picks and it's fair to say that he hasn't had a bumper cwop (sic) to choose from (enough of that Roy baiting now, he's a fellow Croydon boy, after all).
 But from the relative discomfort of my armchair, I have to say I would have taken five strikers, given Rooney will miss two of our three tournament games (yes, I predict we won't make it through the group stage).
Crouchio would have been in my squad. He's ahead of Defoe and Carroll by my reckoning. Here's the squad, none of which would make the Spain squad, save Rooney perhaps.
Goalkeepers - Joe Hart, Robert Green, John Ruddy.
Defenders - Leighton Baines, Gary Cahill, Ashley Cole, Glen Johnson, Phil Jones, Joleon Lescott, John Terry.
Midfielders - Gareth Barry, Stewart Downing, Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, James Milner, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Scott Parker, Theo Walcott, Ashley Young.
Strikers - Andy Carroll, Jermain Defoe, Wayne Rooney, Danny Welbeck.

The paucity of world class talent in this line up has to be addressed by FA headquarters, but won't be, not while the multicultural Premier League is raking in so much cash.

Olympics Shylmpics

Seems all the talk at the moment is still about some sporting fest taking place in east London later in the year. Do these people not realise that there's far more interesting sport to be had before then, further from home in eastern Europe? Dear old Croydon boy Woy has to pick the squad he'll take to Krakow soon. Predicting who he'll go for is a tad tricky. Terry or Ferdy? Brunt or Beckham? Bent or Odemwingie (is he eligible for England?). But come on, press. Leave talk about synchronised swimming and that gym event where they wave a streamer about while prancing across a crash mat until the final whistle blows in from the east.